Writing after a long time of hibernation: random things about gettin' old

1. I am numb. And I am not sure if this, already, is freedom.

2. I'll be 29 next month. I feel old. And cold. Oblivious of the youthful feeling of, as society puts it, "falling in love."

3. In the process, I have lost a great amount of humor. There are things and people that no longer make me laugh easily.

4. Pretty much, life has become a routine. And sometimes, a meaningless rat race in the work place.

5. But I can no longer rant like as if it's still quarter life crisis. Now I would easily get back to my senses and realize I need to keep my job because I need the cash to pay my mortgage.

6. You kinda hate it, too, that as you grow old, your opinion in various spheres like family and work place now actually matters. You feel burdened by the responsibility it entails.

7. I still hate the government. And political crocs.

8. One day I'd wear a black shirt that says, "freedom of religion and freedom from religion for all."

9. The raging hormones are gone. Sex is one of the least important things.

10. And I realized I am better off single. That committing to be in a relationship being the complex person that I am would spell enough trouble.

Yes, trouble.

Stage 1 of Losing

I don't wanna lose it but I think I'm goddamn losing it.

I still wanna fight for it but I guess faith is not enough as to fate.

I have lived the dream and still living it, but maybe God is telling me, "You're living it wrong kiddo. So, wake up and waggle."

"Have to fight 'til the end, that's what I gotta do," says the bubble.

But, if enough is enough...what is enough?!

This life's so unpredictable and undeniably tough!

Gotta move and do something to prove them wrong and to make myself be me again.

Never accepted things to myself, ignored them again and again.

Now is the time to swallow everything in with no pretense.

Moving on is difficult, I know, but atleast I tried to do what I can do before a new commence.

First Entry for March 2014

Obviously, all of us are busy with our lives now, wala na masyadong pumapansin sa blogsite natin. Or pwede namang, karamihan eh nahanap na ang kaligayahan sa buhay nila na hindi na nila ito kailangan. Mabuti kung ganun nga! Cheers!

Pero pwede rin namang ang iba ay nais na lang ding sarilinin ang pinagdadaanan. Ang iba, nawala sa isip na may blogsite pa pala tayong ganito, tulad ko. Na pwede pa rin itong maging sandalan ng mga walang makausap at umaasang sa mga susunod na araw ay may susunod ulit na magbubukas ng kanyang sarili. Since hindi ako makatulog naalala ko na naman to. Hehe. Ang naging sandalan ko nung lugmok ako. And hey, bad news, lugmok ulit ako. Haha! Consistent ako diba?

I am battling with myself for the past nine months since a guy left me. How bad it feels to be dumped by someone whom you thought will be your partner for the rest of your life. Gaga lang to think that way. Some people aren't meant to be together at malas, dalawa kami dun.

I realized he is not the person I thought he is. Thank you Lord for saving me from that person. But still i really wish him all the blessings and happiness in the world. After all we were friends before.

As I grow older, mas naghahanap ako ng real happiness. Mas gusto ko yung may silbi ako sa mundo more than may silbi ako sa iisang tao lang. Pero hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin mahanap ang real happiness na yun. Nawawala na ang self-worth.

Now, I am afraid of losing myself. I truly am.

Step Out

I just can't get over this song for weeks now.

A soundtrack from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. And this video from someone.

Heart's on fire, leaving all behind you
Dark as night, let the lightning guide you

STEP OUTSIDE, gonna step outside, I'm gonna step out

Heart's on fire in the warming rain

Living life feeding appetites

Stake through every heart stop in the mood
Being glad, breathing appetite

Heart's on fire, leaving all behind you
Dark as night, let the lightning guide you

STEP OUTSIDE, gonna step outside, I'm gonna step out

Broke tooth one day, something's not the same
Blank head, 'cuz I sweep the floor
Feel your presence in your absence, shut the door

Heart's on fire, leaving all behind you
Dark as night, let the lightning guide you

GONNA STEP OUTSIDE.

:)

For the one who broke my heart on this day 9 years ago:

I remember being miserable on this exact day almost a decade ago, 9 years to be exact. When you first left me.

So much have changed, we moved on a lot. But some remained, including us being friends. 

But up until last month, before things got worse, I decided, its not healthy for me that we remain like this.

I tried to be always there for you for the past years, tried to make you happy in some ridiculous way by being somewhat there for you, giving myself to you even partly because I thought that could, even a little, make you happy. Even though what you wanted back then was the whole of me. I couldn't. Even though all through those years I asked God if indeed you were the one, there were always factors that kept us apart. 

I thought, its so unfair how I always put my current relationship on the line just for you. Just to make you happy. 

Then she came along. And even though deep in my heart I could feel you can't love her as you have loved me, you're love for her was different. You were so careful with her. You cared for her. You thought about her. Like I didn't for the past guys I've been with.

So I realized, even though I have been with many men after you, and you only had her after me, after 9 years, I was the one who couldn't move on. 

I was still in the past, thinking I was still the only one you could see, you love. 

Its not that I didn't think this day would come.

But then this happened. 

You're going to be a father. And how lucky she will be to have you as the father of her child.

I thought it was okay to lose you for someone...because I thought it could only be for a while, a phase. But hey, you moved too fast. And now, you're in the land of no return. 

How I want to be your friend, to support you on this difficult part of your life. Because I know you'll need someone to talk to. But I can no longer be that person for you. I'm sorry. Soon, there will no longer be that awkward place I occupy in your life, in your heart. So I should leave. Now.

We can't count how many times we tried to say goodbye, but I think, this seals it all for us.

I must say goodbye. For the last time.

And leave you be.

I wish you happiness and blessings. Its too bad we couldn't meet for this. But maybe its for the better. Its for the better too, that you could no longer read the letter I wrote for you exactly 9 years ago.

I always think, if God would bless an unmarried couple a baby, they were meant to be.

And that day you told me, I knew we weren't.

Ikaw Pa Rin

Busy ako palagi pero madalas sumasagi ka sa isip ko. Madalas na madalas. Ok ka lang ba? Sana ok ka. Ako hindi. Hindi ko alam kung kelan ulit ako mabubuo. Hindi ko alam kung kelan kita makakalimutan. Maligayang pasko sayo. Sana maligaya ka, kahit ako, hindi.

Mapagpanggap Tayong Lahat

Kunwari wala tayong problema.
Kunwari wala lang. Same same.
Kunwari.
KUNWARI.