I Won't Give Up

This is for you Gagged, Kim Kimero, Andrew and Screened Name and of course, sayo Artista/Host. Thank you for everything! I sooo love you guys!

What's Bugging U Lately?

My life has been a little down and slow paced lately, or maybe longer than I have noticed. There has always been a void that suddenly strikes me at any time it desires. I’m often caught unprepared, and when it comes I am unsure of what to do. Most of the times, I just succumb to being a victim of circumstance, of my own choices, of fate—and of anything else I can blame.

I consider myself weak, because I think so. My goal is to become a stronger person, and that being said, with consistency.

I have listed the things that are bugging me lately. These things frustrate me. In order to overcome these, I must identify it so that I can apply the best possible solution.

I just want to share these with you. Maybe you feel the same, and you can share your thoughts about it with me.

Absence of Romantic Relationship. (I know, cliche but) Love is one void in me that has never been filled up since the last time I was in a romantic relationship. Not having one makes me still think about my ex who broke up with me two years ago. I don’t think I have ever moved on, because I never really found someone else. The absence of somebody to love has made me a liar. Whenever my officemates ask me if I have a girlfriend (or a boyfriend, they desperately pose) I tell them I have the former, and if they ask for details I say I want to keep it private or change the topic to escape and end the conversation about me.

The social expectation makes me want to look for love. It is hard because I cannot see anyone that I can find love with. It makes me look at my life miserably.

Unable to do what I want to do. I have been in the call center industry for two years now. This is my first job since I graduated from college. I took this path because I want to earn money, since I know how it feels to not have some. I don’t want to beg for money. I don’t want to rely to others, especially to my parents, for money. Some may consider what I have achieved in this field a milestone because I luckily get posts others took a longer time to achieve. I am grateful of it too, but still I feel unhappiness and discontent. Although I initially got what I wanted, it strikes me hard when I think of what I should really become. Simply put—I finished journalism, so I should be writing. I should be outside, wandering, taking notes, sharing what I knew and discovered through some media—yet I am not where my heart is.

Failure to pursue a Networking opportunity. Early this year, or late last year, friends—one, I considered my best—came up to me. It was a bit of a shock that they appeared at my apartment’s doorstep. I knew that they were up to something. They didn’t immediately say it because they waited for the perfect timing. When they got the timing they needed they talked me into a business opportunity. It was a networking deal, you recruit more people to join the group. To earn, you get people and/or sell the company’s product. When my friends reached me out for this, I was in the mood to do something else that would add up to my earnings. I honestly thought they were just using me, and taking advantage of the friend they have in me. Although I was in doubt of their sincerity as friends, I willingly agreed to be swayed into what they wanted me to do. I invested money, “not as much as what you would invest to other businesses,” they said. I was discouraged by my own stubbornness and by the thought that these people came up to me because they were up to something. I never tried recruiting anyone into the organization. My friends might have been there for a good reason, but I didn’t like their idea of showing up because of it. It made me trust them less.

Material Things. I am working because I want to have a secure future. I want that one day my family and I will live a more comfortable life. I don’t see the fruits of my labor yet. I am excited to own a house and a car or houses and cars, and I don’t have any idea when I’ll have it.

I am pretty tensed with myself. I want to get everything right. There is no room for mistakes because I hate to disappoint myself knowing that I will disappoint others. I know the importance of letting loose, but it is hard when you don’t know what to let go first. I am 23 and counting, but you can subtract the past two years because I don’t think I have lived then—until I sincerely feel FREEDOM.

P.S. Gagged, paki-edit. HAHA