Stage 4 of (Not) Losing: Moving On

Well, it's hard to move on. Kahit saan at anong banda naman ng pagmo-move mahirap.

Isang buwan nq akong pabalik-balik sa lugar na aking kinagisnan, umaasang kahit papaano makakalimutan ang mga nangyari...siyempre makapagisip-isip na rin at magpatawad. Pero mahirap, sobrang hirap. 'Yong tipong paulit-ulit pa rin sumasagi sa isip ko ang mga katanungang, "Bakit kailangan mangyari 'to?", "Bakit kaya nagawa niya pa rin 'yon?". Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang kasagutan, pero pinipilit kong intindihin.

Noong una wala lang sa akin ang pakikipagkaibigan niya sa iba, wala naman talagang masama roon. Pero baka tama rin na ginawa niya 'yon kasi baka alam na niya na mangyayari ang mga ito. Sa ngayon, unti-unti ko rin narerealize na kaya baka niya rin ginagawa ang mga bagay na ginagawa niya ngayon para maka-move on. Pero bakit apektado pa rin ako nito? Kung sana hindi ko na lang nakikita at naririnig ang mga bagay-bagay.

Gayunpaman, masaya naman ako para sa kanya, at least may bago na siyang mga kaibigan. Sana lang this time alagaan na niya ang mga ito.

Hindi ako deserving na magkaganito at hindi ko deserve na masaktan ng ganito. Unti-unti, step by step kumbaga, matututuhan ko ring magpatawad. Sana ikaw rin.

Kahit malabo, pangarap ko pa ring dumating ang araw na makakapag-usap tayo at magtatawanan ng wagas. At siyempre, sana mabuo pa rin tayo.

Alam kong baka ngayon nababasa niya na rin ito. Alam ko magtataka na naman siya bakit may ganito na namang kadramahan. On that note, nakasakay kasi ako sa bus at umuulan sa labas...sarap lang mag-emote. :) 'Wag kang mag-alala parte rin 'to ng pagmomove on ko kaya, let me do this.

7/25/14
17:24

Missing Mom

Because she hasn't come home for two weeks now, we all miss her. :(

  

I was brushing my teeth one morning when mom jested, “Mag-asawa ka na lang kaya?”

I gave her my “Like-duh!” look and said, “Ma, mag-boyfriend siguro muna ako?”

Mom has been very intrusive of my love life lately. Well, she’s always like that naman but recently, may extra effort!

Last time, she obliged me to “meet” her friend’s son. He was, um, okay. She even gives out my number to her close amigas. In short, ibinebenta na ako ng nanay ko. *Sigh* And whenever I mention meeting former “suitors” who are mostly my friends now, she gets excited. Especially about L. Actually, she never really liked him dahil hindi raw sya nagmamano kapag bumibisita sa bahay! Pero may pasalubong naman! :p

To be fair, he was really smart, thoughtful, and we get along well. He even listened to Boyfriend, SuJu, Loveholic, etc. and watched Kdramas so he can relate to my Hallyu addiction. Now we both think Jang Dong Gun is undeniably hot. :p Kaya lang hindi naging kami e.

Mom also unearths past letters and gifts. Whatda. She likes to make pakialam stuff in my closet. One time she brought up my college crush, Sta. Fina. I was like, “Tagal na nun, Ma. Friends lang kami.” “Showbiz!” she blurted.

“E yung nagbigay sayo ng portrait? Kamusta sya?”

“Baka naman may boyfriend ka na ayaw mo lang ipakilala?”

 “Gusto mo ba ng Engineer? Architect kaya?”

I-apply ko kaya sa TMZ ang mom? Or match making?

Her interrogation takes centuries to stop. Maybe because she’s remarrying this year. Shit. Remarry. I guess she wants to meet the awesome guy soon. Too bad the awesome guy hasn't arrived yet.

Anyhow, despite all her effort and schemes, mom still reminds me to only give my 50% in love. But I guess I’m beyond that now.

Joy Division

Park

“Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to make you feel nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”

“Nothing before you counts,” he said. “And I can’t even imagine an after.”

Eleanor

“I never said I loved you,” she thought.

  

How he filled her heart with love was surreal. And how she nearly destroyed his was rather unforeseen. Then the post card came with just three words long.

Love will tear us apart…again.

Stage 3 of Losing: Not Losing

PART 1: Sweet Breakup
(Karugtong ng Stage 1)

You were my ever dream.
Thankfully, I somehow lived that dream.
The latest four years of my life were not wasted, I could say.
You molded me as a human, as a professional...others would say.
I've gained more friends, build more friendships and other relationships for real.
I couldn't ask for more, more than any meal.
I have grown to where and what I am now.
I have seen the worst and the best of you anyhow.
I have loved you and I loved myself more.
I have laughed and cried with you...rant more!
I was lost, found myself and lost again.
I come up, found myself again.
Thought of unloving you but just got tired.
Never unlove though, you're the one desired.
It hurt but I already accepted it.
Nothing lasts forever, there's not a thing can beat it.
Not one-sided love, a mutual decision instead.
A sweet breakup, though I have no boyfriend yet.
But I'm not a loser...I won.
I won friends, I won knowledge, I won experience, I won lessons...I won.

I'll treasure you as I treasure the people who surrounded me during the stay and as I treasure my own life.♥

PART 2: No denial
(Karugtong ng Stage 2)

I, myself, was a victim.
I thought I cannot survive from the drown, I forgot I can swim.
And now that I am at the surface of the present.
No time for resentment.
I couldn't deny, I had fallen.
However, I have awaken.
It was just a dream, a beautiful dream.
I am no lionhearted.
But I don't care anymore about it.
I have guarded us.
That's what a friend does.
Kept it as much as possible.
Woke up from the wake up call.
Enough!
Though it was tough.
Misinterpreted gestures of my own.
Ignore what was shown.
I love myself more now.
I couldn't thank you more. Bow.

Thank you for everything. I am looking forward to get back the friendship we had. But first, think of yourself, too. Look into yourself what's missing. Realize what you don't have that, we, your friends have for you. Treasure your friends dear. ♥

XXX

Stage 2 of Losing

Close to Acceptance
(after almost a month of posting Stage 1 of Losing)

What if we didn't meet?
What if we were never friends?
What if you didn't call me when you were drunk that night?
What if I didn't rush to pick you up?
What if you were not that drunk?
What if you didn't say, "Hold my hand, don't let go."
What if I didn't hold it and I let it go?
What if you didn't hug me when we slept?
What if I didn't hug you back?
What if I didn't give meaning to it?
What if I didn't feel this?
What if you also feel this?
What if I can't hold it back?

What if...what if...

What if this isn't just a dream?

Writing after a long time of hibernation: random things about gettin' old

1. I am numb. And I am not sure if this, already, is freedom.

2. I'll be 29 next month. I feel old. And cold. Oblivious of the youthful feeling of, as society puts it, "falling in love."

3. In the process, I have lost a great amount of humor. There are things and people that no longer make me laugh easily.

4. Pretty much, life has become a routine. And sometimes, a meaningless rat race in the work place.

5. But I can no longer rant like as if it's still quarter life crisis. Now I would easily get back to my senses and realize I need to keep my job because I need the cash to pay my mortgage.

6. You kinda hate it, too, that as you grow old, your opinion in various spheres like family and work place now actually matters. You feel burdened by the responsibility it entails.

7. I still hate the government. And political crocs.

8. One day I'd wear a black shirt that says, "freedom of religion and freedom from religion for all."

9. The raging hormones are gone. Sex is one of the least important things.

10. And I realized I am better off single. That committing to be in a relationship being the complex person that I am would spell enough trouble.

Yes, trouble.

Stage 1 of Losing

I don't wanna lose it but I think I'm goddamn losing it.

I still wanna fight for it but I guess faith is not enough as to fate.

I have lived the dream and still living it, but maybe God is telling me, "You're living it wrong kiddo. So, wake up and waggle."

"Have to fight 'til the end, that's what I gotta do," says the bubble.

But, if enough is enough...what is enough?!

This life's so unpredictable and undeniably tough!

Gotta move and do something to prove them wrong and to make myself be me again.

Never accepted things to myself, ignored them again and again.

Now is the time to swallow everything in with no pretense.

Moving on is difficult, I know, but atleast I tried to do what I can do before a new commence.