Whiskey-like

He's been into series of c'mon-let's-move-on talk to self lately.
Maybe he's convincing, if not forcing, himself to forget and let go things.
But, facing the mirror now tells him goddamn honestly, that it's fucking hard to do that.
And it takes his breath away in between seconds just thinking about it.

He cries. He cries every night.
The pain. The pain is still there; he thought it's a scar already.
But no. He can still feel the freshness of it...the dredge causing the intolerable pain.
He can forgive anyone but he can't and won't forget every detail of what happened.

I wish I could help him.

Pareng Paolo (Coelho)

More than a month ago I bought a Paolo Coelho book, Aleph. But after buying it, I hardly flip a page when many not-so-fortunate events happened to me (in my life, actually). Then I got so preoccupied this last week of July that I got to see the book on my table as if it was there centuries ago, as if it called me saying, "Hey! Maybe I can help you!"

Like some of the other books of Coelho that I have already read (The Alchemist, The Zahir, The Devil Miss Prym, The Valkyries), it was one of his journeys of self-rediscovery, past, present, and love. In his search for the answers to his unending questions to J., he travelled across Russia through Trans-Siberian Railway. Here, he went back to his past again, found love, solve mysteries and most of all found himself again. And this was because of a 21-year old Turkish violinist named Hilal.

The first three chapters of the book tell how they met. And the article/blog below written by Coelho, which caught me so deep, feels to me like so timely. This was Hilal's ticket to meeting Coelho. Read on. :)

A man called Ali is in need of money and asks his boss to help him. His boss sets him a challenge: if he can spend all night on the top of a mountain, he will receive a great reward; if he fails, he will have to work for free.

When he left the shop, Ali noticed that an icy wind was blowing. He felt afraid and decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if he thought he was mad to accept the wager. After considering the matter for a moment, Aydi answered, "Don't worry, I'll help you. Tomorrow night, when you're sitting on top of the mountain, look straight ahead. I'll be on the top of the mountain opposite, where I'll keep a fire burning all night for you. Look at the fire and think our friendship, and that will keep you warm. You'll make it through the night, and afterward, I'll ask you something in return."

Ali won the wager, got the money, and went to his friend's house.

"You said you wanted some sort of payment in return."

Aydi said, "Yes, but it isn't money. Promise that if ever a cold wind blows through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me."

A story of friendship. I was touched by it. I hold a lot of importance to friendship, like any other relationships I have now.

This was not the very highlight of the story for Aleph means, as per book, the point at which everything in the same place at the same time. This article merely sparked the beginning of Coelho's another inspiring time-travel life journey.

xxx

Stage 4 of (Not) Losing: Moving On

Well, it's hard to move on. Kahit saan at anong banda naman ng pagmo-move mahirap.

Isang buwan nq akong pabalik-balik sa lugar na aking kinagisnan, umaasang kahit papaano makakalimutan ang mga nangyari...siyempre makapagisip-isip na rin at magpatawad. Pero mahirap, sobrang hirap. 'Yong tipong paulit-ulit pa rin sumasagi sa isip ko ang mga katanungang, "Bakit kailangan mangyari 'to?", "Bakit kaya nagawa niya pa rin 'yon?". Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang kasagutan, pero pinipilit kong intindihin.

Noong una wala lang sa akin ang pakikipagkaibigan niya sa iba, wala naman talagang masama roon. Pero baka tama rin na ginawa niya 'yon kasi baka alam na niya na mangyayari ang mga ito. Sa ngayon, unti-unti ko rin narerealize na kaya baka niya rin ginagawa ang mga bagay na ginagawa niya ngayon para maka-move on. Pero bakit apektado pa rin ako nito? Kung sana hindi ko na lang nakikita at naririnig ang mga bagay-bagay.

Gayunpaman, masaya naman ako para sa kanya, at least may bago na siyang mga kaibigan. Sana lang this time alagaan na niya ang mga ito.

Hindi ako deserving na magkaganito at hindi ko deserve na masaktan ng ganito. Unti-unti, step by step kumbaga, matututuhan ko ring magpatawad. Sana ikaw rin.

Kahit malabo, pangarap ko pa ring dumating ang araw na makakapag-usap tayo at magtatawanan ng wagas. At siyempre, sana mabuo pa rin tayo.

Alam kong baka ngayon nababasa niya na rin ito. Alam ko magtataka na naman siya bakit may ganito na namang kadramahan. On that note, nakasakay kasi ako sa bus at umuulan sa labas...sarap lang mag-emote. :) 'Wag kang mag-alala parte rin 'to ng pagmomove on ko kaya, let me do this.

7/25/14
17:24

Missing Mom

Because she hasn't come home for two weeks now, we all miss her. :(

  

I was brushing my teeth one morning when mom jested, “Mag-asawa ka na lang kaya?”

I gave her my “Like-duh!” look and said, “Ma, mag-boyfriend siguro muna ako?”

Mom has been very intrusive of my love life lately. Well, she’s always like that naman but recently, may extra effort!

Last time, she obliged me to “meet” her friend’s son. He was, um, okay. She even gives out my number to her close amigas. In short, ibinebenta na ako ng nanay ko. *Sigh* And whenever I mention meeting former “suitors” who are mostly my friends now, she gets excited. Especially about L. Actually, she never really liked him dahil hindi raw sya nagmamano kapag bumibisita sa bahay! Pero may pasalubong naman! :p

To be fair, he was really smart, thoughtful, and we get along well. He even listened to Boyfriend, SuJu, Loveholic, etc. and watched Kdramas so he can relate to my Hallyu addiction. Now we both think Jang Dong Gun is undeniably hot. :p Kaya lang hindi naging kami e.

Mom also unearths past letters and gifts. Whatda. She likes to make pakialam stuff in my closet. One time she brought up my college crush, Sta. Fina. I was like, “Tagal na nun, Ma. Friends lang kami.” “Showbiz!” she blurted.

“E yung nagbigay sayo ng portrait? Kamusta sya?”

“Baka naman may boyfriend ka na ayaw mo lang ipakilala?”

 “Gusto mo ba ng Engineer? Architect kaya?”

I-apply ko kaya sa TMZ ang mom? Or match making?

Her interrogation takes centuries to stop. Maybe because she’s remarrying this year. Shit. Remarry. I guess she wants to meet the awesome guy soon. Too bad the awesome guy hasn't arrived yet.

Anyhow, despite all her effort and schemes, mom still reminds me to only give my 50% in love. But I guess I’m beyond that now.

Joy Division

Park

“Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to make you feel nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”

“Nothing before you counts,” he said. “And I can’t even imagine an after.”

Eleanor

“I never said I loved you,” she thought.

  

How he filled her heart with love was surreal. And how she nearly destroyed his was rather unforeseen. Then the post card came with just three words long.

Love will tear us apart…again.

Stage 3 of Losing: Not Losing

PART 1: Sweet Breakup
(Karugtong ng Stage 1)

You were my ever dream.
Thankfully, I somehow lived that dream.
The latest four years of my life were not wasted, I could say.
You molded me as a human, as a professional...others would say.
I've gained more friends, build more friendships and other relationships for real.
I couldn't ask for more, more than any meal.
I have grown to where and what I am now.
I have seen the worst and the best of you anyhow.
I have loved you and I loved myself more.
I have laughed and cried with you...rant more!
I was lost, found myself and lost again.
I come up, found myself again.
Thought of unloving you but just got tired.
Never unlove though, you're the one desired.
It hurt but I already accepted it.
Nothing lasts forever, there's not a thing can beat it.
Not one-sided love, a mutual decision instead.
A sweet breakup, though I have no boyfriend yet.
But I'm not a loser...I won.
I won friends, I won knowledge, I won experience, I won lessons...I won.

I'll treasure you as I treasure the people who surrounded me during the stay and as I treasure my own life.♥

PART 2: No denial
(Karugtong ng Stage 2)

I, myself, was a victim.
I thought I cannot survive from the drown, I forgot I can swim.
And now that I am at the surface of the present.
No time for resentment.
I couldn't deny, I had fallen.
However, I have awaken.
It was just a dream, a beautiful dream.
I am no lionhearted.
But I don't care anymore about it.
I have guarded us.
That's what a friend does.
Kept it as much as possible.
Woke up from the wake up call.
Enough!
Though it was tough.
Misinterpreted gestures of my own.
Ignore what was shown.
I love myself more now.
I couldn't thank you more. Bow.

Thank you for everything. I am looking forward to get back the friendship we had. But first, think of yourself, too. Look into yourself what's missing. Realize what you don't have that, we, your friends have for you. Treasure your friends dear. ♥

XXX

Stage 2 of Losing

Close to Acceptance
(after almost a month of posting Stage 1 of Losing)

What if we didn't meet?
What if we were never friends?
What if you didn't call me when you were drunk that night?
What if I didn't rush to pick you up?
What if you were not that drunk?
What if you didn't say, "Hold my hand, don't let go."
What if I didn't hold it and I let it go?
What if you didn't hug me when we slept?
What if I didn't hug you back?
What if I didn't give meaning to it?
What if I didn't feel this?
What if you also feel this?
What if I can't hold it back?

What if...what if...

What if this isn't just a dream?