Disconnected

She was dazzled the first time she saw you irked.
She was a little surprised with the first “with emotion” text, “Napipikit ako sa antok. Haha.”
She found you makulit but she eventually liked it.
She likes it when you make kwento stuff.
She was flattered when you noticed, “Bagay sa’yo nakabraid. Ay.”
She likes you.
Her heart skipped a beat when you suddenly kissed her on the cheek.
She always loved the way you say, "For life?"
She was disappointed when you lied.
She bought the alibis and accepted your apology.
She got kilig when you said, “I hate you.”
She loves you.
She loved how you kissed her while she was in the middle of saying something.
She was disappointed when you forgot the birthday and even more irked when you denied it.
She was pissed when you forgot about the bookmark.
She was occasionally annoyed when you play a loooooot.
She likes it when you update her.
She likes it when you ask her out. And like it even more when you make reklamo she doesn’t do the same.
She’s happy whenever you ask her how her day was.
She got kilig when you asked for a copy of the Korean drama.
She finds it cute when you’re inis and nakasimangot.
She’s weird but you’re crazy.
She loves it when you cook. Kilig. But, hello carcinogens!
She misses you.
She likes it when you hugggg.
She liked how you held her hands.
She finds it cute whenever you ask to run at the intersection or jump on stairs.
She's disappointed whenever you deny.
She likes it when you talk about basketball.
She liked it when you said, “Headroom?” upon seeing her food porn photo.
Although she doesn’t fall for your gulat tricks, she likes how you attempt to scare her.
She’s impatient but she learned how to wait.
She’s been meaning to ask things but your look always interferes.
She always overthinks.
She’s sad because you’ve changed.
She hugged you and took a very deeeeeeeeeeep breath.
Then she let you go.

Siklo

Tipikal na Lunes ng umaga. Naligo, hinintay na matuyo ang buhok, nag-ayos. May lakad, pero hindi pa sigurado kung saan tutungo. Pagkabihis, konting sipat pa sa salamin at ayos na. Lumabas ng bahay at tumingin-tingin sa kalangitan, mukhang uulan kaya dali-daling naglakad patungo sa 'di pa malinaw na ruta. Nang medyo nakalalayo na'y isa-isa nang pumatak ang mga sinulid na gawa sa tubig. Kaya pa, kaunting bilis ng lakad lang. Pero tila hindi kaya ng mabilisan, isang bagsak ng nanggagalaiting ulan ang humarang. Lingon sa kaliwa, lingon sa kanan, sa harap, sa likod at sa kung saan pa pwedeng lumingon, ngunit walang matanaw na masisilungan. May puno! 'Yon, baka pwede roon. Takbo! Subalit kahit ang puno'y nagsabing pasensya na't 'di siya makakatulong. Ang tuyong buhok noong una'y parang bagong ligo muli. Sumisingaw ang pabangong kanina'y isinaboy bago umalis. Unti-unti na ring naglalaho ang lotion na ipinahid sa balat kanina. Tagos sa balat ang lamig, animo'y nakailang buhos muli ng baldeng panligo. Wala ni isang taong dumaraan. Ulan. Ulan. Ulan, buhos pa. Mga paa'y nanginginig na sa lamig, bagong sapatos ay pinasok na rin ng tubig. Hinaplos ang basang mukha, luha ba 'to o ulan? Sabay tingala sa langit...tama na po. Tama na po, babalik na po.

Love

...searching for the one thing to set my sad soul free

悲しみ と 切なさ

Blinded, I can’t see the end...
So where do I begin?

Whiskey-like

He's been into series of c'mon-let's-move-on talk to self lately.
Maybe he's convincing, if not forcing, himself to forget and let go things.
But, facing the mirror now tells him goddamn honestly, that it's fucking hard to do that.
And it takes his breath away in between seconds just thinking about it.

He cries. He cries every night.
The pain. The pain is still there; he thought it's a scar already.
But no. He can still feel the freshness of it...the dredge causing the intolerable pain.
He can forgive anyone but he can't and won't forget every detail of what happened.

I wish I could help him.

Pareng Paolo (Coelho)

More than a month ago I bought a Paolo Coelho book, Aleph. But after buying it, I hardly flip a page when many not-so-fortunate events happened to me (in my life, actually). Then I got so preoccupied this last week of July that I got to see the book on my table as if it was there centuries ago, as if it called me saying, "Hey! Maybe I can help you!"

Like some of the other books of Coelho that I have already read (The Alchemist, The Zahir, The Devil Miss Prym, The Valkyries), it was one of his journeys of self-rediscovery, past, present, and love. In his search for the answers to his unending questions to J., he travelled across Russia through Trans-Siberian Railway. Here, he went back to his past again, found love, solve mysteries and most of all found himself again. And this was because of a 21-year old Turkish violinist named Hilal.

The first three chapters of the book tell how they met. And the article/blog below written by Coelho, which caught me so deep, feels to me like so timely. This was Hilal's ticket to meeting Coelho. Read on. :)

A man called Ali is in need of money and asks his boss to help him. His boss sets him a challenge: if he can spend all night on the top of a mountain, he will receive a great reward; if he fails, he will have to work for free.

When he left the shop, Ali noticed that an icy wind was blowing. He felt afraid and decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if he thought he was mad to accept the wager. After considering the matter for a moment, Aydi answered, "Don't worry, I'll help you. Tomorrow night, when you're sitting on top of the mountain, look straight ahead. I'll be on the top of the mountain opposite, where I'll keep a fire burning all night for you. Look at the fire and think our friendship, and that will keep you warm. You'll make it through the night, and afterward, I'll ask you something in return."

Ali won the wager, got the money, and went to his friend's house.

"You said you wanted some sort of payment in return."

Aydi said, "Yes, but it isn't money. Promise that if ever a cold wind blows through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me."

A story of friendship. I was touched by it. I hold a lot of importance to friendship, like any other relationships I have now.

This was not the very highlight of the story for Aleph means, as per book, the point at which everything in the same place at the same time. This article merely sparked the beginning of Coelho's another inspiring time-travel life journey.

xxx

Stage 4 of (Not) Losing: Moving On

Well, it's hard to move on. Kahit saan at anong banda naman ng pagmo-move mahirap.

Isang buwan nq akong pabalik-balik sa lugar na aking kinagisnan, umaasang kahit papaano makakalimutan ang mga nangyari...siyempre makapagisip-isip na rin at magpatawad. Pero mahirap, sobrang hirap. 'Yong tipong paulit-ulit pa rin sumasagi sa isip ko ang mga katanungang, "Bakit kailangan mangyari 'to?", "Bakit kaya nagawa niya pa rin 'yon?". Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang kasagutan, pero pinipilit kong intindihin.

Noong una wala lang sa akin ang pakikipagkaibigan niya sa iba, wala naman talagang masama roon. Pero baka tama rin na ginawa niya 'yon kasi baka alam na niya na mangyayari ang mga ito. Sa ngayon, unti-unti ko rin narerealize na kaya baka niya rin ginagawa ang mga bagay na ginagawa niya ngayon para maka-move on. Pero bakit apektado pa rin ako nito? Kung sana hindi ko na lang nakikita at naririnig ang mga bagay-bagay.

Gayunpaman, masaya naman ako para sa kanya, at least may bago na siyang mga kaibigan. Sana lang this time alagaan na niya ang mga ito.

Hindi ako deserving na magkaganito at hindi ko deserve na masaktan ng ganito. Unti-unti, step by step kumbaga, matututuhan ko ring magpatawad. Sana ikaw rin.

Kahit malabo, pangarap ko pa ring dumating ang araw na makakapag-usap tayo at magtatawanan ng wagas. At siyempre, sana mabuo pa rin tayo.

Alam kong baka ngayon nababasa niya na rin ito. Alam ko magtataka na naman siya bakit may ganito na namang kadramahan. On that note, nakasakay kasi ako sa bus at umuulan sa labas...sarap lang mag-emote. :) 'Wag kang mag-alala parte rin 'to ng pagmomove on ko kaya, let me do this.

7/25/14
17:24