Curl up like a ball

I’m currently in the state where I just wanna be like Isabella Marie Swan when her Edward Cullen left her. For months she just locked herself in her room and curled up like a ball thinking of how to move on.

I can now attest that women’s intuition is very powerful. Last week, I read your blog about fixing things. Since then, I noticed that you’ve changed, a lot. But whenever I ask why you’re like that, you’ll just say “hindi naman a.”

The moment I read what you wrote, one thing struck me: you’ll end things with me and go back to her. Yes, that’s the right thing to do dear. But it hurts because I honestly like you even if I still can’t absorb that I do.

I always practice to be calm. You’re one lucky guy dahil ako ‘to. Dahil malawak ang pang unawa ko at ayokong mabuhay nang parang nasa isang template Pinoy telenovela na hindi ko pinapanood dahil sa kakornihan.

Pero grabe. Hindi lang pala sa drama talaga nangyayari ang mga ganitong bagay. Shucks I can’t believe this is happening to me. First sign na isa itong generic Pinoy serye ay ang confrontation scene.

Grabe, ang hirap magsalita. Yun lang. Lahat ng inisip mong sabihin, nawawala lahat kapag kaharap na sya.

Second proof: cab scene.

Jusko. Gusto mo nang sumabog sa irita but because you didn’t wanna create a scene, you managed to be calm and walk away like nothing happened. At eto pa ha, martir na kung martir but you still said na “make sure not to lie to her ever again.”

Then pagandar ng cab, bigla nalang bumuhos ang luha. Na tipong you wanna share to manong driver what you feel but nooo, that’s too much kadramahan na. Sabi ko na nga ba kailangan ng tissue e.

Third proof: pagdating mo sa bahay, you just act normal pero deep inside gusto mong umiyak ng malakas.

Fourth proof: Cs scene kung saan bubuksan mo ng malakas ang faucet or shower so no one can hear you sob or break out.

Pero no matter how painful it is right now, I know I can survive. (UP scoring: ‘cause you make me stronger by breaking my heart…)

Medyo gumaan actually ang pakiramdam ko nung finally gumising na ako pero I’m still in a fragile state na tipong isang tapik mo lang, iiyak ako sa harap mo.