Getting Used to Something

One time it hurt like it was not going to end. The agony had been prolonged in ways I thought I could never sustain. Every breathe hurt and reminded me of the things I should have done yet had selfishly taken for granted. I have been inhaling pain and exhaling volumes of regrets. Life was hell back then. And that could still be an understatement.

I unconsciously deprived myself the right to be happy. I have wallowed in self pity and self hate. I've found no one to blame so I ravaged with this alone. I surrounded myself with negative emotions which successfully weighed me down until I can move no more.

My sentences were mainly composed of could have beens and should have beens. What ifs flooded my mind and my thoughts were full of missed chances and wasted opportunities.

I have stopped moving. I refused to live. I could not forgive myself.

But well, a person can only take too much. I got tired of feeling tired all the time.

I've been hurt and wounded deep enough to penetrate through my bones. I've been shattered and broken into pieces. I have known death even when I am still alive. And because of these, I were left with only one option, to find the cure for myself otherwise I'll be sleeping with the ghosts of my past, forever.

I have tried ways to find that antidote. I've asked people to pick up my pieces and fix it for me. And I failed.

I've been to places far enough to be journeyed alone. I traveled all by myself and searched every corner of possibilities laid in front of me. Yet I found nothing. The people to whom I have given and trusted my broken pieces eventually gave up. They didn't know the whole me and made it difficult to complete me again. They saw me as a puzzle with several missing pieces. They knew I will never be complete.

And for the thousandth time, I was alone again. There's no more noise to hide my silence and there's no crowd to which I could pretend I belong.

But for whatever it's worth, I am glad that that moment happened. I've reached my lowest point and there's no other way but to get up and keep moving forward. Little did I know that what I was looking for all those time, the cure that I've been desperately searching for so long, is right inside of me.

I forgot that in process of loving, hurting, moving on, and living, I have to know myself first and love me for whatever I'll discover.

I forgot to forgive myself for all my flaws and mistakes. I forgot to forgive myself which made it hard for me to accept things that could never be fixed anymore.

I forgot that it is I, more than anyone else, who know my own pieces and their own places. There were pieces broken beyond repair but still those pieces belong to me. And because of that, I accepted the challenge of living with these wrecked fragments despite their condition.

I am still hurting but not quite as painful as before.