Memories...just in time...

I never thought I will hear this song again.

I used to listen to this back in grade school whenever I was alone at home. I felt very attached to this although I didn't understand the lyrics. This was track 12 in one of the tapes my mom brought home from Korea.

I lost the tape years back without knowing the meaning or even the title of this song.

But because of the recent Kdrama I've seen (Reply1997), I learned how to appreciate it even more. It all came back to me like a cold breeze in the night.

And now that I can understand Hangul, I realized why I love Memories by Sa Joon.:)

A day in the crowded universe.

I was reading an Eros Atalia, anxiously waiting at the smoking area of Starbucks Shangrila.

You finally came. I shook your hand. And I introduced myself like stranger.

Awkward.

You sat on the chair opposite mine. But I suggested that you sit on the chair in my left instead. Probably, I was trying to assure you that this is not a confrontation.

You didn't quite know what to say, so I broke the silence, "I heard you met somebody and that you're getting married now. Congratulations."

Your face seemed lost in my sarcasm for bit before I assured you it was just a joke.

You said you're sorry.

That you betrayed me.

I told you I didn't want to use the word "forgive."

Because it's too theological.

We talked for almost three hours at the smoking area of Starbucks Shangrila, where it felt like it was just the two of us.

But I knew right there, we're now just two specks in a crowded universe.

Adios 2012

Today, I'm already writing my year-end entry. Feeling ko kasi, ang mga dapat kalimutan, ay dapat nang kalimutan sa taon ding ito. Gusto kong pagsimula ng 2013, hindi na ako magsusulat tungkol sa mga nangyari sa 2012 ko.

Sinubok ako ng 2012. Sinubok ang aking tatag bilang tao, sa trabaho man o sa lablayp.

Trabaho. Napagod ako ng sobra sa taong ito. Yung tipong pakiramdam ko, tinambak na ng mundo ang lahat ng trabaho sakin. Bagay na ikinalungkot at ikinawala ng aking gana. Dumating sa puntong hindi na ako masaya sa trabaho kaya naman naisip ko nang magresign. Pero, hindi naman nangyari. Buti na lang. Dumating ang maraming blessings nitong patapos na ang taon. May mga pahabol na pag-ere. Pero may natutunan ako ngayong taon. Care less. Hindi ko papasanin ang mundo para lang sa trabaho. :)

Lablayp. Walang kamatayan 'to. Haha. Dito sinubukan ang aking pasensya, pagmamahal at pagkatao. Hindi ko na iisa-isahin ang mga nangyari. Sa mga sumusubaybay ng aking mga entry, malamang alam na nila kung ano ang nangyari. May mga natutunan ako ngayong taon na dapat mai-apply ko na sa susunod. Ika nga ni Pareng Ramon, there is more to life than love. Hindi dapat umikot ang ating mundo sa mga taong hindi tayo kayang mahalin. May mga tao tayong makikilala o kilala na dati na mas magbibigay satin ng pagpapahalaga, kung matututunan lang nating silang tingnan ng mabuti. May taong nakalaan para sa atin. Sa parte ko, akala ko natagpuan ko na pero hindi pa pala. Kaya looking forward ako sa 2013. Hehe. Anyway, kahit nasaktan tayo, dapat pa rin nating ipagpasalamat yun. Ito yung madalas kong sabihin sa sarili ko at ito rin ang linya kaya nakamove on ako. Siguro, ito ang paraan ni Papa God para hindi ako makasakit ng tao sa future. Palagay ko lang kasi, kung naging kami man, baka masaktan ko lang siya. Mas mabuti na lang na ako na ang masaktan ngayon kesa makita ko siyang nasasaktan sa mga darating na mga araw na magkasama kami. True love it might be but I really have to let this feeling go. Ang gusto ko lang ngayon, malaman kong masaya ka. Ayoko ng sagot na sakto lang. Gusto ko, darating ang panahon na pag tinanong kita kung masaya ka ba, ang isasagot mo ay oo. I really wish you true happiness and regularization (you-know-who-you-are).

Ngayong patapos na ang taon, iiwan ko na ang masasamang alaala nito. Pero dadalhin ko ang mga aral na natutunan ko. Salamat sa mga tunay kong kaibigan na hanggang ngayon, nanjan pa rin sa tabi ko (not literally). Kayo ang mga anghel sa lupa. Marami tayong gagawing alaala sa 2013.

Copers! Sana, mabawasan na ang sakit at pait sa 2013. Hehe!

random realizations

And when I heard you say you wish you didn't attend Lhet's debut party,
I realized how deep and how much I've hurt you to the core.

Deep enough to want me uprooted, deleted from your memory.
Enough for you to wish you never ever met and laid your eyes on me.
For you to regret everything.

That's when it hurt the most.
Because I proved you did love me that much.
But at the same time, it hit me that I can never ever have you again.
And I knew, yes, I knew deep down, I should let you go.

Oh Em Geeee!

Hindi pa man 2013, may patikim nang kilig si Papa God sakin. Nangyari ang lahat sa Christmas Party. Ambilis lang ng happenings!

Dahil sa lasing na host, lasing na boss, makulit na manager at cool na mga katrabaho, napadpad ako sa stage kasama si Mr. Engineer (eto yung matagal ko nang "pinagnanasaan"). Charot. Napilitan din siyang hawakan ang mic at magbigay ng special Christmas message para sakin live via satellite! Oooohhh yeaahhh!! Siyempre di ako nagpahalatang kinikilig (kahit hanggang tenga ngiti ko). Dapat sasayaw pa kami pero dahil hindi raw siya marunong, di na natuloy. Anyway, akala ko dun na magtatapos ang lahat. Hindi pa pala.

Dahil ulit sa lasing na boss, bigla niyang tinawag si Mr. Engineer at pinaupo sa tabi ko. So wala siyang nagawa kundi sumunod. Nag-usap kami. As in usap. Ilang inches lang ang layo namin sa isa't isa. Waaaaaa! Infeyrness, hindi siya boring kausap. Pinag-usapan namin ang trabaho, high school at college life at pinakialaman ko na rin ang construction ng aming station na siya ang may hawak.

Inabot kami ng 2:30 ng madaling araw. Natapos ang aming pag-uusap sa simpleng hand shake. Hindi ko alam kung kelan ko ulit makikita ang kayang napakagandang smile pero babaunin ko ang moment na yun. Aaayyyii!

Papa God, you're the best! Thank you! Mwwwwaaahhh!

Kupal

Para kay Labanos.

 

Kulang ang lahat ng pagsisikap ng isang tao sa lahat ng aspeto para sa mga taong hindi karapatdapat makatanggap nito. Ang saklap lang na napunta tayo sa mundong may mga taong gustong magpaikot ng kapwa nila sa kanilang mga palad. Mas masaklap dahil ang kamalian ng iba ang kanilang hinahanap at idinidiin nang hindi muna tumitingin sa salamin para tingnan ang mas madumi nilang repleksyon. Ngunit sino ba naman ako para maghusga sa katunayang isa rin akong hindi perpektong tao? Alam ko ring isa akong biktima at salarin na rin ng makamundong pag-uugali.

Gayunpaman, Labanos, patuloy kang sumibol at patunayan sa kanilang mali sila. Kung magkataong manaig ang kawalang hustisya, nandito kami para tumulong at ipagtanggol ka.

Hindi ba't kaya tinawag kang Labanos para ipakita na maiitim nilang budhi kumpara iyong busilak na at malinis na puso katulad ng maputi at malinis na labanos?

(Para sa isang kaibigan at katrabahong pinagkaisahan ng mga bakulaw, na napagod na sigurong ipagtanggol ang sarili dahil una pa lang ay inalisan na ng karapatang pagkatiwalaan. Para sa lahat ng mga "gulay" kong kaibigan na sina Kerrot, Talong, Okra at Patola na patuloy na titindig at ipagtatanggol ang isa't isa hangga't maaari at hangga't nasa tama.)

Quota Ka Na!!!!

I was caught off guard by your words. Sadly, I wasn't expecting you to say that. Sakin pa? Sino ba ang aloof these past few days? I was really trying to bring back our friendship pero parang ayaw mo na. Suko na ako sayo, teh! You've hurt me BIG time.

Learning It the Hard Way

It's God's way for us to realize things fast. I mean, really fast.

I was amazed how Albayanos prepared for Typhoon Pablo, days before it entered the Philippine Area of Responsibility. Though PAGASA says, it may not directly hit Albay, authorities already planned its preemptive evacuation. 350,000 individuals will be evacuated a day before Pablo will be felt in the province. Obviously, Albay learned its lesson when Typhoon Reming struck the province, six years ago. Fortunately this time, with the preparations plus prayers of the Bicolanos, God spared Bicol Region from the strongest typhoon for this year. But it didn't spare Mindanao. Hundreds died, again, days before Christmas. Remember last year? Tsk tsk. When will we ever learn? Complacency on the part of the local government and on the residents as well

Just today, the whole world was shocked when pound-for-pound king, Manny Pacquaio, was knocked out by Mexican boxer and, should I say, his greatest boxing rival, Juan Manuel Marquez. Really? Knocked out? And hey, during the 6th round? Immediately, it became the trending and hottest topic worldwide. Some even posted on their timeline the famous line from Howie Day's Collide. True enough, even the best fall down sometimes. But, we should realize that God maybe teaching Manny a lesson, and sad to say, in a very hard way. This may not be a good year for Manny but we must give him the full respect and honor for what he has done. A true Filipino knows how to accept defeat. He is one hell of a fighter! Mabuhay ka, Pacman.

This may also not be a great December for many Filipinos, especially for those who have lost their families in Compostela Valley and Davao Oriental. And for those who have bet on Manny. Some may lost their millions. But come to think of it. Everything happens for a reason. May it be good or bad, life is teaching us a lesson. But most of the time, bad things teach us best.

For the typhoon victims, you are always included in my prayers. May you still find reasons to smile despite the tragedy. Just stand up from the fall, after all, Filipinos are best known for that. For Manny, we can never have it all but I might say, that you made us proud.

For the copers, some of you maybe going through rough times but just keep fighting! #positivevibesfor2013

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Getting Used to Something

One time it hurt like it was not going to end. The agony had been prolonged in ways I thought I could never sustain. Every breathe hurt and reminded me of the things I should have done yet had selfishly taken for granted. I have been inhaling pain and exhaling volumes of regrets. Life was hell back then. And that could still be an understatement.

I unconsciously deprived myself the right to be happy. I have wallowed in self pity and self hate. I've found no one to blame so I ravaged with this alone. I surrounded myself with negative emotions which successfully weighed me down until I can move no more.

My sentences were mainly composed of could have beens and should have beens. What ifs flooded my mind and my thoughts were full of missed chances and wasted opportunities.

I have stopped moving. I refused to live. I could not forgive myself.

But well, a person can only take too much. I got tired of feeling tired all the time.

I've been hurt and wounded deep enough to penetrate through my bones. I've been shattered and broken into pieces. I have known death even when I am still alive. And because of these, I were left with only one option, to find the cure for myself otherwise I'll be sleeping with the ghosts of my past, forever.

I have tried ways to find that antidote. I've asked people to pick up my pieces and fix it for me. And I failed.

I've been to places far enough to be journeyed alone. I traveled all by myself and searched every corner of possibilities laid in front of me. Yet I found nothing. The people to whom I have given and trusted my broken pieces eventually gave up. They didn't know the whole me and made it difficult to complete me again. They saw me as a puzzle with several missing pieces. They knew I will never be complete.

And for the thousandth time, I was alone again. There's no more noise to hide my silence and there's no crowd to which I could pretend I belong.

But for whatever it's worth, I am glad that that moment happened. I've reached my lowest point and there's no other way but to get up and keep moving forward. Little did I know that what I was looking for all those time, the cure that I've been desperately searching for so long, is right inside of me.

I forgot that in process of loving, hurting, moving on, and living, I have to know myself first and love me for whatever I'll discover.

I forgot to forgive myself for all my flaws and mistakes. I forgot to forgive myself which made it hard for me to accept things that could never be fixed anymore.

I forgot that it is I, more than anyone else, who know my own pieces and their own places. There were pieces broken beyond repair but still those pieces belong to me. And because of that, I accepted the challenge of living with these wrecked fragments despite their condition.

I am still hurting but not quite as painful as before.

Hindi tungkol sa pag-ibig ang post na ito.

For the 8 p.m. news bulletin, one of the stories I chose to air was all about the damage caused by Typhoon Pablo to the banana industry. To set the facts straight: 10,000 hectares of land planted to banana was destroyed. Exporters say they lost $318 million. The Philippines is the third largest banana exporter in the world.

But my program manager didn't approve airing the story saying it doesn't seem proper to talk about business in a time people are still looking for their dead. But I told her it's just one of the many aspects of disaster reportage: you show the extent of damages. How could the massive loss of livelihood be not a valid story?

May mali ba sa editorial judgment ko?
O sadyang callous lang akong tao?

Hasta La Vista, Chi!

Isa siguro sa mga barkong yan ang sasakyan niya. Nalaman ko kanina sa FB na umalis na ang isang kaibigang hukbong dagat. Ni hindi man lang nagpaalam ng maayos ang loko. Nagkita pa kami kahapon pero napakadistant na niya. Hindi niya ako kinausap. Di man lang siya nagtext. Haha. Naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi niya dati, sa Bicol lang daw siya nahirapang umalis. Marami raw kasi siyang naging kaibigan dito at isa ako dun, kaya mas mahirap lalo. Nakanaman!

Hindi ko alam kung kelan ulit kami magkikita. Matatagalan daw siya sa barko. Nakakalungkot pero masaya akong matutuloy na ang matagal nang naudlot na parte ng pagiging isang hukbong dagat. Hanggang sa muli kaibigan! A snappy salute to you! Hooyaaah!

Fail

I tried to look for your flaws and imperfections to help me, at the very least, deny what I feel. Yet the deeper I dig, the more I know you and your past, the stronger this feeling grows.

Hello World

            It's 2:59 in the morning, katitimpla ko lang ng kape, i need to be awake cause im on duty. Turning on the computer, clicking my folder of songs that i collected mula nung natuto akong gumamit ng network here at the office. Picking songs that suits my mood this day, pressing play to listen to it. And as the music started to roll inside my head, it suddenly poked my memory bank. And every lyrics of every songs that's been playing, reminds me of my past. Ewan ko ba, iba rin talaga ang dating ng malamig na simoy ng hangin sa twing sumasapit ang ganitong buwan. I know na lahat naeexperience ito, that everytime we remember something or someone on our past that made a mark on our lives, the question " what if? " comes in our mind. Ano nga bang pwedeng mangyari if ganito or ganun ang ating ginawang desisyon nung mga time na yun. Hehehe, medyo magulo ang pag iisip ko ngayon. Pero the truth is, everytime i remember those times, it makes me smile, and want to go back at that moment, even just for a moment :).
           Minsan, di nawawala sa isip ko na mangamusta. Minsan, gusto ko ding balikan yung lugar na aking napuntahan, na minsan nang nag pangiti sa akin at nag iwan ng alaala sa aking isipan. Hope you'll like the song that i've attached here. Sa mga copers naman, ano na bang bago sa inyo :), hope na hindi puro stress ang nararamdaman ninyo na dulot ng tinatawag nating love, hehehe. Sa pagtatapos ng aking pagsulat ngayon madaling araw, ngayon ko lang na realize, malamig na pala ang kape ko, hehehe. Sensya na, magulo lang talaga ako mag isip :).