I remember being miserable on this exact day almost a decade ago, 9 years to be exact. When you first left me.
So much have changed, we moved on a lot. But some remained, including us being friends.
But up until last month, before things got worse, I decided, its not healthy for me that we remain like this.
I tried to be always there for you for the past years, tried to make you happy in some ridiculous way by being somewhat there for you, giving myself to you even partly because I thought that could, even a little, make you happy. Even though what you wanted back then was the whole of me. I couldn't. Even though all through those years I asked God if indeed you were the one, there were always factors that kept us apart.
I thought, its so unfair how I always put my current relationship on the line just for you. Just to make you happy.
Then she came along. And even though deep in my heart I could feel you can't love her as you have loved me, you're love for her was different. You were so careful with her. You cared for her. You thought about her. Like I didn't for the past guys I've been with.
So I realized, even though I have been with many men after you, and you only had her after me, after 9 years, I was the one who couldn't move on.
I was still in the past, thinking I was still the only one you could see, you love.
Its not that I didn't think this day would come.
But then this happened.
You're going to be a father. And how lucky she will be to have you as the father of her child.
I thought it was okay to lose you for someone...because I thought it could only be for a while, a phase. But hey, you moved too fast. And now, you're in the land of no return.
How I want to be your friend, to support you on this difficult part of your life. Because I know you'll need someone to talk to. But I can no longer be that person for you. I'm sorry. Soon, there will no longer be that awkward place I occupy in your life, in your heart. So I should leave. Now.
We can't count how many times we tried to say goodbye, but I think, this seals it all for us.
I must say goodbye. For the last time.
And leave you be.
I wish you happiness and blessings. Its too bad we couldn't meet for this. But maybe its for the better. Its for the better too, that you could no longer read the letter I wrote for you exactly 9 years ago.
I always think, if God would bless an unmarried couple a baby, they were meant to be.
And that day you told me, I knew we weren't.
